


Looking Back

by mrv3000



Category: Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Angst, F/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-01-07
Updated: 2009-01-07
Packaged: 2017-10-19 17:25:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,644
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/203317
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mrv3000/pseuds/mrv3000
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Doctor falls through to the altverse and tracks down Rose and the other Doctor.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Looking Back

**Author's Note:**

> This was written before S5 aired, so unfortunately this Eleven doesn't resemble the real Eleven much. Thanks to Beck for betaing!

The second he saw the Zeppelins, he started tracking down Rose. Logic told him that he should have left it alone, that if he sat in the TARDIS while waiting for the power crystal to recharge, he could think... Well, he could think whatever he wanted to think. He could think that Rose and his other self lived happily ever after. Or on his less generous days, he could think that the other him never quite measured up in her mind. Or on his _really_ less generous days, he could think she rejected the other him and has been desperately trying to cross universes again, and one day would turn up at his door.

But something in him itched to know for sure. To _know_ if fate hadn't thrown in the universe's biggest monkey wrench, that they could have been happy together.

He finally found her standing outside Canary Wharf, looking at her watch and glancing at the street. Her hair was shorter again, but not much else had changed. Rose's eyes momentarily locked with his, sending his hearts into overdrive, but her gaze passed without a flicker of recognition.

It shouldn't have hurt that she didn't recognize him in a different body, but it did.

A car pulled up, hitting the horn. Cheeky. He could see the old familiar brown mess of hair on the man yelling at Rose through the open window. Rose grinned and yelled something back before getting into the car with him. They kissed.

They _kissed_.

His mind raced back to Bad Wolf Bay - that horrible day of so much loss. This had been a bad idea.

His other self caught his eye and stared at him for a moment before shaking his head. He flashed Rose a grin and drove down the street.

He should wait in the TARDIS. He should wait in the TARDIS. He should wait in the TARDIS...

"TAXI!"

The Doctor climbed into the taxi with the laughable instruction to "follow that car," and contemplated what he'd seen. Obviously his other self had retained some Time Lord senses, but they might have become a bit skewed. Perhaps it was like having something on the tip of his tongue. Another obvious thing: Rose hadn't rejected him. So much for the fantasy he indulged in when in a foul mood.

The car stopped in front of some nice flats. They got out, the other him retrieving a bag and then grabbing Rose's hand. She held the door open for him while words and grins were exchanged.

They didn't have to look _that_ happy. He swore they never looked that giddy all those years ago. It was positively goofy-looking. So goofy-looking that it would be silly to be jealous.

A flash of the psychic paper saying he was an inspector for the taxi company, followed by a sceptical driver and the one thousand and twenty-third comment about his age, followed by threatening to sack the driver, and the Doctor made his way into the flats.

The nameplates told him that "Tyler" lived on the top floor. But even without the names he would have known where they were. He could feel something now: the low thrum of the other Doctor's TARDIS.

The Doctor stood in front of the flat's door, his hand hovering over the buzzer. What would he say? What would she say? He still could go back and end this all.

The door yanked open before he could decide, and his own brown eyes of the past stared at him.

"You are you then! I mean...me! Hello! Couldn't quite make you out before. It seemed like me, but not. Bit different these things are with this body. Blimey, I got young! Pretty soon and I'll start to think that I eventually give Fitzgerald the idea. Are you the one after me?"

The Doctor nodded and automatically shoved his hair out of his face, feeling very wrong-footed. "Did I always babble this much?"

"'Fraid so. So..." the other him's gaze became serious and intense, filled with unspoken questions the Doctor could easily guess at.

"Doctor?" It had been _way_ too long since he'd heard Rose say that word. "Someone at the door? Who is it?" she asked, walking into view. She gave him a friendly smile.

"Yes," the other him asked, looking at the Doctor, "who is it?"

For a second the Doctor thought about lying. He could be a salesman or...a salesman. A salesman?

"Rose," was all he could come up with. Again he was frustrated that she didn't automatically recognize him.

"He's the Doctor, Rose," the other him said with a sigh. "You know, the one with two hearts? The one that regenerates? Apparently into boy band members."

The Doctor ignored the dig, focusing on Rose. Her mouth dropped. She looked at the other him who nodded in resignation, and then turned back to him.

"Doctor?" she asked softly.

"Hello, Rose," he said with a smile. She gave him a slow smile in return.

"I suppose you'd better come in," the other Doctor commented.

"And..." Rose paused, glancing at the other him for a second before turning back. "Would it be all right if I gave you a hug?"

A pang hit him. She felt she needed to ask? "You never have to ask, Rose."

She wrapped her arms around him tightly and he squeezed back, burying his head against her neck. He was sure he could have stayed like this for at least an hour if it hadn't been for the sound of the other him clearing his throat. Loudly.

Rose pulled back with a somewhat guilty expression. "God, this is weird."

"Weirder than getting sucked into a TV?" the Doctor asked.

"Or weirder than being mind-swapped with a bitchy trampoline?" the other him asked.

"Or getting attacked by zombies?" the Doctor countered.

"Werewolf?" the other him shot back.

"Cybermen?"

"Daleks!"

"Um...yeah." Rose pulled on her earring. "Or no. All of it." She turned and walked into the flat, leaving the Doctors looking at each other warily. They followed.

The TARDIS was tucked into a corner next to the fridge, making it look like an eccentric appliance or cupboard. Rose busied herself by making tea, not saying a word - just the occasional glance in his direction. No one was saying a word, which seemed very odd for them.

The Doctor sat on the sofa and soon Rose was handing over cups to both men. "Two sugars. The way you take it no matter what your body looks like, yeah?"

"Thanks. It's perfect." The Doctor took the cup.

Rose sat across from him with her own tea. "How've you been? All right?"

"Oh, you know," the Doctor said lightly.

Rose's eyes went to her cup with a "hmmmm," making her face hard to read.

More silence passed as they all sat drinking their tea. The Doctor had pictured many different things when it came to seeing Rose again, but sitting in silence really wasn't one of them.

The other Doctor groaned, cutting through the quiet. He rubbed his face. "This is downright painful! You'd think...well, never mind that. Doctor, two questions. One, why are you here? Trouble? Felt like an impossible visit? What?"

The Doctor pushed at his hair again. "No trouble. It's like the first time. I accidentally fell through and have to wait for the crystal to recharge."

"Ah. At least there's that. And second question, any ill-conceived plans of throwing Rose over your shoulder and hauling her back to the other universe without me?"

Rose choked on her tea.

The Doctor stopped himself from pushing his hair. He really was trying to break himself of that particular habit. "Erm...no?"

"I suppose that's good enough, even though it's in the form of a question. All right, I'm now gonna spare us any more awkwardness by realizing that the TARDIS' transducer coupler needs maintenance so you two can have a chat. I'd go to our bedroom, but all I could do in there would be to fold socks. No ta." He got up and opened the door to the TARDIS. "That's _our_ bedroom, mind. Hers and mine," he said with a pointed look to the Doctor.

"Yeah, yeah, we get it, Doctor," Rose said with a roll of her eyes and a smirk.

Rose and the other him shared an expression that the Doctor had missed. That intimate "us versus the universe" look. For a fraction of a second, throwing Rose over his shoulder sounded like a _wonderful_ idea in order to be a participant of that look again.

The door clicked shut and then it was just the two of them, and the Doctor relaxed. He set the tea down and leaned forward, elbows against his knees.

"You look good, Rose. Really good. And...happy, I hope?"

"Thanks, yeah. I am." She smiled in a way that told him she really was, which he was genuinely glad for.

"Got the TARDIS working I see."

"Yup. A few months back. But things are a bit different now. We sort of got used to being here. Part time, at least. It's a place we come back to between trips. We help out Torchwood, go to dinner with my parents and Tony..." Rose frowned and then chuckled. "Curtains and mortgages. Your worst nightmare."

The Doctor gave her a smile. "I don't know. It seems to suit me just fine."

"So how have you been? Really? You know, after... after you left me." Rose's eyes dropped again, an edge now in her voice.

He had a feeling that might come up. How could it not?

"I had to go," the Doctor said softly.

"You didn't," her eyes flicked back up, looking slightly wet.

"I _did_. Rose... Rose." For a moment he thought about pointing out that she was happy now and so it was all for the best, but he took a deep breath and decided to come clean. She deserved that much at least.

"I couldn't stand the thought of watching you two grow old together." He watched her face, looking for disappointment, but she seemed to simply be taking it in. "Selfish of me, I know. Took me a long time to admit to myself that's mostly why I did it. Although I'd _rather_ say it was the nice reason of giving you a wonderful life. Sounds more noble that way."

Rose sighed. "I hated you for a while."

That was like a knife to the gut. "I'm sorry."

"The Doctor...the other one," she continued, "helped me with that though. He told me what you just told me, although it took me a while to believe it."

"I am sorry, Rose."

Rose shrugged. "Long time ago now, yeah?"

"Yeah. I wish..." He looked around at the flat. _Their_ flat. There-but-for-the-wrath-of-God-go-I flat, filled with new memories and a new life. "I wish..." He watched as Rose matched his gaze, understanding in her eyes.

"Yeah," she said quietly. Rose cleared her throat. "'Nough about me, all right?" She set her tea down and joined him on the couch. She took his hand, his fingers automatically winding through hers. "Tell me how you've been. Seriously. You've obviously had a change."

He found himself smiling at her again. "Never could put one past you, Rose Tyler."

"You seem...softer."

"Come now!"

She grinned. "Ego in check, I see. But I mean quieter. More reserved." Rose's expression sobered. "Keeping at a distance, maybe. Sort of like when we first met."

It both pleased and unnerved him that Rose still had the ability to see into him.

She put a hand on his cheek. "Still there, though," she said, peering into his eyes.

He closed his eyes, leaning into her hand.

"Tell me," she said softly. "I want to know how it's been for you."

The words spilled out without him meaning to, and once he started, he couldn't stop. He told her about the good times and the bad, the enemies he'd faced, the new friends made, the goodbyes said or avoided, and even the regeneration. It felt surprisingly good to say it all to her.

When he was finished Rose wrapped her arms around his neck in a hug. He rested his chin against her shoulder, finally realizing how much time had passed.

"The Doctor," he decided about the other him, "must really be working on the TARDIS instead of hovering next to the door. No way I couldn't have barged in after this long if I wasn't."

Rose chuckled and pulled back. "Yeah. I'd better go get him. You'll stay to dinner, won't you? You're lucky we're not due to have dinner with my parents tonight. I'm sure my mum would have loads to say to you." Rose laughed at what was most likely a very horrified look on his face. "Yup. Still the same Doctor." She patted his leg before getting up to go to the TARDIS.

The other Doctor emerged from the TARDIS, brimming with energy. "Ooh, look at the time. Well, since you've disrupted our lives, I think it's only fair that _you_ fix us dinner." The other Doctor's voice dropped. "My turn to do it, so thanks for that."

Rose swatted him playfully. "Do anything to get out of it, won't you?"

"What? He's me! So it totally counts, right?"

The Doctor grinned. "I make it a rule to never argue with myself when I'm right."

"Which is statistically, well, always."

"Quite."

Rose looked back and forth between them. "I'm doomed."

Over dinner their discussion turned to reminiscing, which turned to laughter. The Doctor felt lighter than he had in years, and allowed himself the notion that maybe he could stay. Why not? This universe had plenty of adventures to be had, complete with its own TARDIS. And complete with Rose. Sure it would be strange being around another him, even a half-human him, but...

 _But._

Then all the "buts" set in. But Rose and this other Doctor were in a different kind of relationship now and how would that work? But he'd have to let his own TARDIS die in order to stay. But he'd be leaving the other universe unprotected. But he'd still have to watch Rose and the other Doctor grow old together, and one day die.

Staying here was a fantasy. He could have this night and then he'd have to go back. He always had to go back.

And so they talked for hours about everything and nothing, Rose occasionally covering a yawn but refusing to sleep since their time together was so short. In the early hours of the morning during a discussion about Harriet Jones, the other Doctor began to stare at him. It was a pondering stare, but still very annoying. At first the Doctor tried to ignore it, but it became impossible even though Rose seemed oblivious to the whole thing.

"Do you mind with the staring? Gearing up for a long over-due age joke? You've been falling down on that particular job."

The other Doctor shook himself out of the stare. "Sorry! Just...thinking. About something. Memories, in fact. You and I share the same memories right down to that unfortunate hairstyle we had eight...nine bodies ago. We both watched Rose slip away at Canary Wharf, and we both saw her find her way back on that street. Lots and lots of memories."

"Does this have a point, or is this just general musing? If it's general musing, Rose and I can go on with our own discussion quite easily while you mentally wander off, isn't that right?" He gave her a wink. She laughed.

"Right. Rose, can I talk to you? Alone? In the TARDIS?" The other Doctor jumped up, striding to the TARDIS.

"Um...okay." Rose shot the Doctor a quizzical glance and then followed the other Doctor to the TARDIS who was holding the door open for her.

"Won't be a tick," the other Doctor said. "Well, that's not true. Might be a few ticks depending on...things." He scratched his head. "Just don't go anywhere."

The Doctor didn't even get out a response before the door shut.

Well that was rude. Of all the times to decide to have some alone time. He swore _he'd_ never been that erratic when in that body. Somewhat erratic maybe, but not that bad. Okay, possibly. How had Rose ever put up with the rudeness?

A minute passed, then two. The Doctor discovered a photo album and began to page through it. There he was in places he had no knowledge of - photos of himself and Rose, holding each other close and looking completely happy. There were ones of them laughing, and being silly, and... He snapped the book shut, refusing to torture himself any more.

A "tick" turned into a half hour and finally the door opened again. Now Rose was also looking at him strangely.

The other Doctor flopped down next to the Doctor.

"Happy birthday," the other him said, holding up a glowing stick.

The Doctor instantly recognized it. "No."

"Merry Christmas?"

" _No._ "

"Rassilon Day?"

"I'm _not_ \--" the Doctor said. "That's a memory stick." The Doctor's eyes flicked back and forth between the two. "You want to give me all your memories since Bad Wolf Bay." Why was he doing this?

"Give the man a prize!" the other him exclaimed. "Ooh, here you go."

"Go on, Doctor," Rose encouraged.

"Rose, _no_. It's...wrong. It's an invasion. It's _voyeuristic_. It's...not mine."

"The Doctor explained it. It'll be like your own memories. So they will be yours. Sort of. They'll feel like yours at least."

"We share millions of memories. Good, bad, embarrassing...well, you get the idea. What's a few more?" the other him asked.

"This is mad!" The Doctor stood up, striding to the other side of the room.

Rose quickly followed, grabbing his hand. "You give and give and give. Can't you have something for once? Unless you don't want--"

"That's not it," he said quickly. "I just... Rose." He looked at her, willing her to understand.

"I wish, Doctor. _I wish_ ," Rose reminded him. Even as her eyes were pleading with him, it still felt wrong. "I can't go back with you, but it could be like you were here. Can't you at least have that?"

The other Doctor joined them. "Go on, go on, go on," he tempted, waving the stick. "Speaking as someone who was formerly you, this..." he said looking at the flat, "...all this..." His attention turned to Rose. "...was exactly what I needed. I needed it more than I ever knew. Never had a life like this, and you _need_ the memory of this in your life, even if you're too thick to realize it."

The Doctor hesitated. It was so very tempting. "It's a violation," he said without much conviction.

"How can it be if we're both willing?" the other him asked.

The Doctor reached out to touch the memory stick. "You're sure. You're both absolutely one hundred percent sure. And I mean completely sure, without a tiny bit of hesitation."

They both nodded at him.

The Doctor took the stick, his hearts racing. He closed his eyes and touched the end to his temple. As the flood of memories washed in, he distantly heard a "whoa!" and felt hands grabbing him. When he opened them again, he was lying on the sofa, Rose and the other Doctor looking at him with concern.

He could now see it all. The awkwardness he'd felt being half-human, stranded in another universe and worried Rose would never accept him. The slow process of rebuilding their relationship. The first time they had sex. The second time they had sex. The lots of other times they had sex. Helping Torchwood countless times. The joy of having the TARDIS back again. Seeing new planets together. The moments in the photo album. Even the long conversation about giving him the memory stick they'd had in the TARDIS moments earlier. A conversation that surprisingly included a brief discussion about the possibility of them following him back to the other universe, but included their own list of "buts..."

Everything.

"Thank you," he whispered.

Rose smiled at him.

"And this is just the appetizer! Don't think you're gonna get out of here without making it through to dessert! You've gotta see the rest! Whatever the rest might hold and however long it holds it. Although don't tell us how it ends since that'd be cheating. Fancy a trip in the TARDIS?"

The Doctor sat up, his head now clear. "Memories of your whole life? I assume you have a plan." After what he'd seen, if they were willing to give him more, he'd take it. _Gladly._ No matter what their future looked like.

"I'll bury memory sticks in a box by the tree outside. Deadlocked, of course. Say...once a year? Just pop ahead a hundred years and dig it up. Couldn't be easier. The box key," he said, digging in his pocket and then holding it out. "Just be sure to bring it back with you. I'm gonna need it."

"That could actually work."

"'Course it'll work," Rose said with a grin. "With two Doctors working at it, what could possibly go wrong?"

"Uh..." they both chimed in unison, smirking at each other.

The other Doctor's TARDIS was identical to his own, which shouldn't have been surprising considering it came from a piece of her. The Doctor quickly set the coordinates, really hoping that the place wouldn't be underneath some new building. He was in luck. The flats had undergone a change, but the place where the box was hadn't been developed. Using the sonic screwdriver he quickly found the metal object, sprinting back to the TARDIS with it.

He set the box down on the grating and opened it. Dozens of memory sticks glowed at him.

A pang hit the Doctor. Here was his whole life, sitting in a box. His and Rose's life.

He began to sort the sticks, labelled with dates. When he had them ordered he grabbed the first one. What had Rose said earlier? "God, this is weird." She was right, even for him. It still didn't stop him from touching the stick to his head. Nothing could have stopped him at that point. The Doctor was ready for the effects this time, only slightly wobbling.

Their next year had been a full one, complete with three alien invasions. The year after that had a few awkward discussions about children. After that, they decided to spontaneously elope on a distant planet, which resulted in being on Jackie's bad list. After that, a more-danger-than-usual near-death scare. After that, a surprise pregnancy which resulted in him finally getting off Jackie's bad list. A son. And then a daughter. Years of ups and downs, sad moments and pure happiness. He taught his children how to fly the TARDIS. He watched his son fall in love and settle down, and his daughter fall in love with TARDIS travel in a way that matched his own. And all these memories were sandwiched between thousands of nights of falling asleep next to Rose.

When he reached the last one, he and Rose were doting on their grandchildren and great-grandchildren while still having their daughter take them out on occasional, if very mellow, trips. And there the sticks simply stopped. No indication of what had happened in the end, but he didn't think he needed to know. He'd seen enough to know... No, he hadn't just seen it. He _felt_ they'd lived a full and wonderful life.

He carefully tucked away all the sticks in his jacket and then set the TARDIS down in the flat where he'd left it just moments before in their time. He opened the door feeling both drained and charged, and also... He wasn't quite sure how to describe it.

"Doctor!" Rose called to him. "Did it work?"

The Doctor walked up to the other him, throwing his arms around him.

"No hints!" the other him warned, hugging back.

"Fantastic," the Doctor whispered. It wasn't _that_ much of a hint, after all.

The other him was grinning as he let go.

He walked over to Rose, taking her face in his hands. He bent down and kissed her. It felt different with these lips, but that didn't matter. "Thank you," he said, close.

Rose gently pulled back, a pleased smile on her face. "Yeah, guess you're just stuck with me now. Or the memory at least."

"Stuck with you is not so bad. Not bad at all. In fact, really quite...brilliant," the Doctor said, using a word he hadn't in ages.

She gave him a grin. "Love the new body, by the way. Have I said?"

"Oi!" the other Doctor protested.

The Doctor smirked. "Your box is in the TARDIS. Empty, of course. I've got all the sticks right here," he explained, patting his jacket pocket.

"Which box I'll then use to fill up every year until you retrieve it. I love circular objects," the other Doctor said with a grin.

"Hold on, then where'd the key come from?" Rose asked.

"Ooh, tell you later," the other him replied.

"I've really got to go now," the Doctor announced. That thought no longer pained him like it had only an hour or so earlier.

"So soon? Are you sure?" Rose asked.

The other Doctor looked at him. "Yeah, he has to. He's got memories of this and so he's got to go when he's got to go. He even knows what we're going to say. He knows I'm going to say this. And this! And this. And...kumquat!"

"Huh," Rose replied.

"And that!"

The Doctor took a last look around the flat that now felt such a part of him, and smiled at the other two. "Be good to each other."

Rose took the other Doctor's hand. "We will."

"'Be good to each other?' A bit corny thing to say, don't you think?" the other him asked.

"Well, I am working with a predestined script," the Doctor replied.

"Ah. Yes. Well done."

Final goodbyes said, and the Doctor waited a second after the door was closed before he bolted back to the TARDIS. According to the memory sticks he had one more thing to do before he could leave this universe, and he was running out of time before he had to go back. He raced through the streets. Happily he hadn't landed more than a mile from the flat, which he thought might have been the TARDIS' doing before she'd been knocked out. He ran in, straight through to the wardrobe. It was _somewhere_ , he just didn't remember exactly where. He flipped through rack after rack and finally spotted it next to a velvet jacket: his old brown coat.

The Doctor bundled it up, and grabbed a bike on his way out. In half the time he was back at the door of the flat. He hit the buzzer. The other him opened the door and the Doctor shoved the coat into his hands.

"I think this is yours," the Doctor explained.

The other Doctor's eyes lit up on recognizing it. "Oh! OH! This is _brilliant!_ Absolutely brilliant!"

"Thank you, again. Really." With a wave of his hand, the Doctor was running back down the steps.

He could hear the door close behind him and he knew he'd soon be telling Rose, who was in the shower, about the coat.

Rose. He'd seen her grow old now. Wither in front of him, a thought that had haunted him for so long. He'd been spared her actual death, but still. He'd no longer have his daydreams about her being forever young. Forever a changing-to-fit-his-mood fantasy.

He smiled. But this was better.


End file.
